Today’s Weather: 100% chance of handjobs over Florida
THIS IS THE ULTIMATE METAPHOR FOR FLORIDA.
“This is gonna be the greatest thing ever. People are gonna read all kinds of horse shit into this photo and you know what? We’re just going to laugh and laugh and laugh. ‘Oh why is Paul out of his shoes? Why is George in blue jeans? Why is John in white? Why is that bug halfway up the curb? Fucking idiots. People are so dumbAUUAHAGAHAUAGHAGAHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
17% Californicomplacency
Anthony Kiedis: “Writing songs, recording songs, surfing, chasing my son around, breathing. Strumming a ukulele. A little thing called life.”
13% Peter Pan Syndrome
Flea: “I’ve been a f***ing rude, obnoxious, self-centered, self-righteous a****** many times — and I’m grateful for it.”
10% stiff, not-even-fly-for-a-white-guy P-Funk pastiches
10% thinly disguised rewrites of “Under the Bridge”
9% “Seinfeld”-ian bloop-a-doop-boop-boop-boop-ing
8% lack of vocal training
8% lack of vocational training
Anthony Kiedis: “What else am I going to do? You gotta pay for the surfboard somehow.”
5% gratuitous demonstrations of chops
Anthony Kiedis: “Both Josh and Flea would come in with ideas … their conversations were quite beautiful, and it sounded like Thelonious Monk talking to Coltrane or something. I mean that, honestly.”
5% gratuitous removal of shirts
4% midlife-crisis facial hair
3% stuff to maybe talk about in therapy next week
Anthony Kiedis: “I sat on an airplane recently … watching the Justin Bieber movie, ‘Never Say Never.’ I cried twice during that film and I want the world to know that!”
3% misty water-colored mem’ries
Flea: “I always found slamming a quarter-gram of coke would burst your f***ing eyeballs.”
2% foppish drivel
Anthony Kiedis: “I’m not a true vegan. I dabble In sustainable fish and dawdle in the consumption of eggs. Steak doesn’t speak to me, and tempeh is so-so. I’ll savor a solitary apricot that’s been kissed by my baby.”
2% belated fear of sinking into self-parody
Chad Smith: “What I do know is that I would not want Will Ferrell to play me.”
1% blurry tattoos, torn cartilage and used tube socks
The whole Oatmeal post is great, but this was my favorite. I should get “The Raging Vagina Tractors” on vinyl.
X-RAY: EDDIE VEDDER
5% Morbid fear of Kenny Loggins
“I’ve always thought that as a surfer you need to be careful of what the last song you hear before you paddle out is going to be—‘cause that’s the song that could be playing in your head. Say if you;re in the parking lot at El Porto, and you are hearing maybe “Footloose” coming out of one of the other cars as you;re putting on your wetsuit—you are fucked. You’re going to be listening to “Footloose” for the next hour and a half in your head.”
